Oh yeah…I remember this! Yesterday was a good day. I cannot attribute it to the weather since it was absolutely miserable. Hard rain off and on all day. But…I went shopping for a new dress for an event I attended last night.  I saw a beautiful cocktail dress and decided to try it on even though it was a size smaller than the size I had been buying recently. I kept my fingers crossed as I pulled it over my head. What? Are you kidding me? It didn’t fit…but because it was too big! Yowdee  dowdee dooooo! (Okay, Linda Miner, my nutritionist, if you are reading this…give me this one. I know iChange is a healthy lifestyle change but this was just too good not to share!) So…sad that I had to pass on that beautiful dress since they didn’t have it in my new size, but glad to pass on it for a great reason. I found another dress in that new size and bought another dress to boot. (They were on sale)  So…I truly think I am back on track and got that little boost as a “good job for coming back” from the Powers That Be. You can always come home again!

Ahhhhhhhh…life is good again. Don’t you love it when all of the pieces of the puzzle seem to drop into place? Sure…it won’t stay this way, but when you have a day when it is “all good” you just have to kick up your heels and appreciate it. Yesterday was one of those days. The sun was out…the sky was blue…the temps were in the high 60s. I had the top down on my car and loved feeling the sun on m y face and the wind in my hair. There were a few negatives thrown at me but I was able to take them in stride. The “goods” outweighed the “bads”.  I had a list of things to do and I completed every one of them. I have to admit that I am back on probiotics and changed my form of Spirulina. I have to think that has added some perks to my general well-being. Yesterday I got hungry around 4-6 PM which always has been a difficult time for me to resist temptation but I kept centered on the knowledge that the day after a “hungry day” that I usually have a “not hungry” day and I am looking forward to that as I write this. I have my food for the day planned and in the fridge. Oh…did I mention that I am down 4 lbs?

I love my husband. We have been married for over thirty years and have known each other since high school. We have some great times together and life is pretty good. But…we have been doing the “she has to lose weight loss dance” for quite some time. The problem is…we both want to lead. He has always had a passive aggressive way of letting me know his feelings about the matter. Like I said, we were both in step for the past few months, but based on my history of yo-yoing I guess he is afraid I am going to fall off the wagon completely and he thinks in his distorted brain that he is the one to help me get back on. Why he doesn’t realize he is only adding to the problem since I have told him so over and over again, I just don’t get. Here is Friday’s morning example, which was my muse for today’s blog, for your reading pleasure. I walked into the kitchen on my way to a very early meeting. It just so happened I was hired to do a project for a very good friend of ours that we have known for many years. On the counter was a box of reduced fat Cheetos that I bought a few weeks back in a moment of weakness. To my credit, I had only had a few crackers and then put them in the back of the pantry. As I walked into the kitchen my husband said “I put the Cheetos on the counter so you could give them to Louie since they are his favorite.” Now…I am going to an awards ceremony for Louie where there will be three hundred of his employees. It is somewhat of a formal affair. It is not like Louie and I are meeting at a diner for breakfast. My husband knows that. Would I really bring an open box of Cheetos to this venue and hand them to Louie (who is the president of the company) while he is on the podium? COME ON!!!!  This is how my husband works his message through his passive-aggressive approach. What I heard was: “I found these Cheetos in the back of the pantry so your secret is out.”   That is my interpretation and I think I am spot on. But….I didn’t say anything. The old me would have reacted but the new iChange me just let it flow off my back. I took a deep breath and just said “I don’t think Louie would really want a half-opened box of Cheetos today and his favorites are actually the White Cheddar Cheetos.” and we both let it go at that. I calmly put the Cheetos back into the pantry. Perhaps he felt that just going as far as he did sent him message, I am not sure but there was no more discussion about the Cheetos. I find this to be a big step for me since I broke an old pattern of me being defensive. I think I told him (albeit in my own passive-aggressive way) that I am in charge and if he wants to support me, this is not the way to do it. So…the old me would have told him to just stay out of my eating business and probably criticize him for being passive-aggressive and then go to my meeting fuming. Then I would have probably gone on an eating binge of some sort to show him I was in control…not him. Makes a lot of sense…doesn’t it? I finally realized at my ripe old age that he honestly is only trying to help me even if he doesn’t get that it isn’t the help I need. He is not doing it mean spirited, in his head he thinks he is helping. Getting my mind wrapped around this idea has helped me not be defensive and also not to use his approach as an excuse to binge. So…the dance will continue…and sometime we both will be gliding in sync across the dance floor.

Somewhere in my past blogs I think I equated having success with a new diet/lifestyle change/health program with falling in love. You are euphoric. You want everyone to share in your happiness. You think you have discovered a magic that no one else has ever experienced. You are on a high that carries on into other areas of your life. Sound familiar? The trick is to keep that feeling going. There has been many books written about having to put time and energy into maintaining that certain “zing” in a relationship. It’s a struggle. Anyone that writes about how their relationship is so special with no work (in my humble opinion) is just not telling the truth. Life is full of temptations and challenges. Okay…now…let’s move on. I lost that “zing” with iChange a couple of months ago. The magic just wasn’t there like before. Was it still working for me? Oh..Yessiree…Iwas losing weight but was getting bored and I expected that high to continue and I just wasn’t getting it. Do I still believe in iChange?I sure do! Oh..what a shock! It was ME that wasn’t investing the time and energy into making the magic work for me again! You mean I have to be the one to do it? So…I didn’t have a full-fledged affair with food while iChange was caught up with more important things, but I did give in to just a bit of temptation. But…unlike other programs where I have said “been there…done that…” I am back to investing time and energy to renew my commitment to iChange. I have resisted joining the Community Support Group, preferring to converse with Linda Miner, my nutritionist, on a one to one basis. I just joined the CSG yesterday. I am going into this with the knowledge that they are not there to make it happen for me. Hopefully, they can help, but it is up to me to work to get the magic back. Let’s see what happens…

I jus overcame temptation. I thought I would write right away and share my experience. All day I was kind of tired. This is downtime for me since I am a freelance landscape designer and not much is going on this time of year. I am low-key and don’t advertise and kind of like it that way. Guilt tells me that there should be no such thing as boredom since there are so many opportunities to volunteer every day. Anyway…guilt has taken me down some dark and murky paths in my lifetime so let’s not go there right now. (Okay…an aside…I do volunteer work but not just on a regular basis) Back to me…boredom=overeating I have experienced time and time again. So…I am at he grocery store still with these boredom feelings. Nothing looked that great for dinner… the weather is still overcast and dismal…dirty snow around..blah blah blah. Poor me…right? I get some things from the deli counter and the next area is the bakery. Even though sweets are not my downfall, I toy with the idea of getting some doughnuts, cupcakes or something. Now here is the good part. I give myself a little lecture about eating well and not eating well and where the two will get me in the long run. As I push the grocery cart I vacillate about going in one or the other direction. Then I think…”Okay…baby steps. Let me just get by the bakery aisle.”…Then …”Okay…let me just get by the chips and pretzel aisle.” I continue this until I am checked out and on my way. Phew! I made it home and here I am sharing my success with you. Hooray Me!

A couple of days ago I wrote about being off track. I must be great at lecturing myself because for the past two days it has been business as usual…well as usual as when I was sitting in first class on the iChange train. I am already feeling better about myself and starting to have that physical well-being that I love so much when I am eating the right things. In about an hour or so I will be heading to the gym to do my 45  minutes of elliptical and then some weight training. I have to admit that last Thursday I watched an episode of Oprah with Kirstie Alley  who is trying to lose all the weight she gained back from losing so much on the Jenny Craig diet. Oprah asked her what she was eating these days and when she shared that for dinner she ate three chicken wings and a salad the first thought that crossed my mind was “Oh, Poor Girl! I don’t think THIS is going to be a lifestyle change!” But, I wish her all the best. At least she is trying! As for me…I am back into eating the foods for my metabolic type and avoiding foods that I know trigger my hunger and make me feel physically uncomfortable.

Do you believe in Divine Intervention? I do. I have just seen it so many times in my life. If you keep your mind and eyes open, you will see it happen. Here is today’s example: Today I was starting to write a post. I was feeling down that I am off track. I was whining. Whining…whining…whining. I went to send and somehow I deleted the whole thing. At first I was disappointed but then I looked for the Divine message. Hmmmm….where will the whining get me? Well…I can answer that…NOWHERE! So here I am back again rewriting.  Sure…I went off track but what in life is always a straight path? Do I love my husband but still fight with him once in a while? Sure do!  Do I have to periodically clean my refrigerator instead of having it be immaculate every day? Yep! So…I regroup…get things back on track again and off I go. Why should my health be any different? Why is it that everything else in life I see as having it’s ups and downs but if I go off track with my health I throw up my hands with a “I surrender!” attitude? I know the program works. I have been procrastinating. I have still had my foot in the iChange camp but not my whole body like I did before. Today I started back on the track. Wish me luck!

One of the problems I have is resisting temptation. Well…duh! I don’t think I would be writing this right now if I was extremely disciplined.  Okay…it is not resisting temptation as much as when I give into temptation not to throw all my hard work out the window because of one little off track jaunt. It is like getting thrown off a horse. You can get right back on or just say “Okay…I guess I won’t be doing THAT again!”  The other day another dog at the dog park got a little rough with my dog. I was just getting ready to leave after being there an hour or so. But…I didn’t want to leave on a bad note so I stayed another half hour until Otis started to leave my legs and play with the other dogs again. He got back on track. Now…teacher..heal thyself. I am going to admit to you that I have gotten off track. No…no one got me off but me. Well…okay…I could come up with some legitimate sounding excuses but bottom line…they would be excuses.  I am struggling to get back on track again.

Hmmmm….those of us that live in the Mid-Atlantic are having a tough time these days. We have been hit by a blizzardn for the past week or so. The beauty has passed and now we have broken trees and shrubs, ice still on the roads and messy dirty snow. I can see my Dark Sides rubbing it’s hands (if it had them) together in glee. The conditions are perfect to thwart my health. How good does comfort food snuggled into a big armchair watching a Lifetime movie sound right now? Or for those of you with young children, don’t you all deserve to stuff yourselves after a noisy day of kids off from school dragging messes in and out of the house? It is a dismal time since things probably won’t be heading back to normal for at least three weeks or so and that is if we don’t have another storm, (They are forecasting more snow and sleet today) Oy-vay! And I am not even Jewish (which is probably evident since I more than likely spelled “oy-vay” wrong) Okay…let’s get down to the nitty-gritty. How are we going to handle this or let me say how am I going to handle this? My husband is pulling out the comfort food but since he has never been out of shape in his life he can relish in going off a healthy track for a few days with no dire consequences. I haven’t been able to take my dog to the dog park which irritates me to no end. The dog is fine. It is the lack of control that is driving me crazy. I am caught up in “what I can’t do” as an escape from “what I CAN do” another way the Dark Side tries to lead me astray. Let’s see…I am keeping up with all of my supplements. Check. I am shoveling so much that my cotton turtleneck that I am wearing under my ski jacket is soaked when I come back into the house. I am going to the gym and putting in my 45 minutes of elliptical and half hour of weights. Check. I am knitting a Christmas stocking  a new project) as a distraction so I am not tempted to eat while watching TV when housebound. Check.  Okay…full disclosure…did I find some Italian cookies frozen in the back of the freezer two days ago and polish them off. Well…yes I did. Did I open the door to a binge. No! Did I decide to go off my path to better health in a big way or did I just tell myself that the cookies were just a step off the path during a tought time. (I did the latter)So…it has been difficult. But I did get a perk the other day. My son was working out in my gym. After we were done he came over and said “Mom, you can really notice in your workout clothes how much weight you have lost”. My son’s compliment versus comfort food? I don’t think so, Dark Side!

Structure. It is not my natural forte in life but I have found that structure has bode me well when I am trying to make major changes in my life. When things are spinning around in a disorganized fashion around me, I get overwhelmed and you all know what being overwhelmed leads to, don’t you? Let me remind you…It leads to wanting just a second of escape from the insanity. Hmmm…how do we get that escape…that delicious and hard to resist numbness. For me it wasn’t drink or drugs…but food. Wow! How unusual am I? Keeping my mind in gear in the iChange program has been some work. Just like when one starts something new, there is always passion and great expectations but that wears off over time. If it is a new job, a new significant other, a new baby…there is a lot of joy but also a lot of work to make it through the challenging times. I am being challenged right now in my health program. I had some great structure going on with a great routine I had built into my life. All the puzzle pieces had finally fallen into place with a path to my guide of daily good health without yo-yoing back and forth. Then this big storm hit where I live and for the past week I have lost control of the structure I had built over the past five months. My exercise program needed to be adapted to not going to a gym. I have been housebound more than usual and bored. (You can only clean out so many closets and watch so many Lifetime movies without running out of the room pulling your hair and screaming). I can’t take my dog to the dog park which had become a regular two hours of my day. So…I had a choice. Go back to binging out of frustration or recognize the challenges and fight for what I have accomplished thus far. I chose the latter. I have not been 100% there in both my eating and exercise but I am not binging and feeling down so that is a huge plus. I am not blaming anyone or anything, I am taking life in stride knowing the wun will come out tomorrow.